Two years and nothing has changed...

  This blog-like messege is my personal last straw. There are some things I want to touch on that have bothered me in these months of 2009. I wanted to make 2009 my year. My year to put past the drama that happened in 2008 behind me. I figured I needed a positive outlook to begin a new and make things happen. It became my eventual downfall. Below are the things that bothered me that I don't think I'll ever truly get over.

My Dad

  All through 2008, my Dad seemed the most distant when it came down to support. I always felt like whatever I did wasn't good enough. In some cases it seemed like what I did to make things better in my life didn't exist and would talk to me as if he came up with the advice. Despite my knowledge of the situations and even in most cases acting upon to no avail, I always got talked to as if I don't know anything.

  Recently, I had a conversation with my Mom about something that I was trying to do with my life. (Believe me, this comes up in the next section of this page.) I took in account a lot beforehand and already planned out my strategy. But yet I still get the same ol' "Well don't forget to..." or "Make sure you don't..." Look, I understand they are my parents, but I really don't need this treatment at 31 years old. It all makes me feel inferior. It really does. And still, I get this on both ends despite my calm plea to just let me think for myself. I know what I am doing. Don't give me the bullshit about, "Well, that's what a parent does." Yeah, at 11, not 31. I really feel stupid. And if there is a parent that still does this to their child at 31, one would question the success of that person. Crap, look at me. I have nothing right now. Maybe coincidence, I dunno.

  Most of what worries me is Dad. Even though he says he's proud of me, I know he thinks I am not a success enough and that I don't have any experience or knowledge. Trying to fix that over time, he then had a sudden heart attack in January 2009. This really changed things as far as thinking. I used to argue with him alot about, of most things, Disney as well as my future with them. I am opinated as it is and it always got him ticked off. Now I worry I won't have him much longer. So I don't talk to him as much. We're never on the same page. It bothers me that I'll never feel or be successful by the time he passes on. I've had people tell me that I have to move on and I shouldn't let this heart attack bother me too much. Of course, not in a negative light, but more of that I would let it consume me and that I shouldn't. I dunno. Mom and Dad are truly the only reliable family I have to turn to. If I don't have that, I don't have much else. I'm not usually a trusting person. Don't forget, I have no girlfriend, so I don't even have someone that I intimately love to turn to.

My Job

  Even at the epicenter of all of this, my job had effected me a bit. No, my performance was fine. Right up until September, my work was really the only getaway for me. The problem was in my management team and how I was treated throughout 2008 and 2009. Cutting to the chase, I had apparently gotten in trouble twice in a month's span that basically got me fired.

  The first incident was because of a bad back. An old injury I suffered years ago working for Disney in which my back would occaisionally have sharp pains if I turn a certan way. I could go weeks, even months with no pain at all and 100% agility. Other days, I'd try to get up out of bed and not be able to at all. If I DO get up, I can barely walk. One day, this hapened I called in. The next day, still in pain but not as bad as the day before, I went to work. I wasn't able to get to the location I was supposed to be on time (I have to walk across a theme park). Apparently it was about 10 minutes after the start of the day for me. I still got in trouble for that.

  About a month later, I got accused of taking a longer break than I should have had. I don't do that. I personally have no reason for that. Well, management said that 2 people said I did and didn't believe a word I had to say. After a one week investigation, I get canned from Disney. After 10 years working for them, I get no respect. Just another casualty of saving money. I even got a plaque from them the night before celebrating 10 years with the company. I threw it out.

  I tried to fight it but nothing looks good. No one seems to want to believe me. And despite all of the hard work I had done for that department and that company, it winds up meaning nothing. All I feel now is just anger and yet more depression. I am trying to keep thinking in my mind that this is a blessing in disguise. I'm afraid if I did that, I'd be worse off then I am now; unemployed, barely any money left and trying to find ANY job at this point.

  Even looking for a job is tough enough. All I am left with right now is either working at a supermarket or a Target. I'm gonna have some really, really tough times coming up financially. I might even have to sell some things that I have had for a long time just to get the money needed to pay my bills. I guess I have to get ready for minimum wage again.

The Public Light

  I joined a couple forums to get back in the public light and have some fun. In December of 2008, I joined a really awesome community of gamers and anime fans that was, and still is, quite enjoyable. I was working hard to gain some new interests as well as rekindle some old ones. One forum stands out and I would still be on it today if it wasn't for one person. It began to change my thinking on my life.

  Back in March I believe I joined a site with of a bunch of people that pretty much have the same interest as I do when it comes to cassettes and recording. I lurked beforehand, then eventually joined. I pretty much introduced myself and figured things would be okay, finally. I was getting this site back on regular updates, I was having more interest in doing tape collecting and this site. I was even getting back into interests I had long stopped doing close to 10 years ago. I even mentioned that in my first post that I was updating the site and that I wanted it to stay alive. That's when I had a sad realization. The person who runs the site seemed like he didn't want me around.

  Almost in a sense I was being treated like competition. He was one of the first responses. All I seemed to get from it was that I failed and let my site die. I never let it die, I just couldn't upkeep it at that moment. We went back and forth and all that I really ever felt was that I should combine my info on his forum. That there will be ONE site so everyone could get the latest updates. After those initial 2 or 3 days, he deleted the posts and sent me a message saying that we got off on the wrong foot. We wound up having a truce of sorts.

  During my short time there, I tried to post like everyone else, but I always felt like I never belonged. Once again, I PERSONALLY felt like this was the case in everything I ever did in life. I even felt like that within my circle of friends. These are people who have known me for well over 7 years. I've been feeling paranoid about it. I eventually temporaraly quit the forum to get my life back together. Once again, my general interests have suffered and I never felt like people cared about this site. I will still work on it for whatever interest I have left in my life where I can't be judged on a personal level. So basically, it's all for my own benefit.

A Lighter Note

  Like I said before, I do have some positives. I may not have much to fall back on, but I do have a few things that keep me going. I don't wanna spend too much time on these, but I will give a brief list.

  I met a couple of new people. These are really good people. One is in Texas and I have never met him in person, but I did meet him on that one forum I enjoy. The other one I met at a convention this past summer. She likes the same game I do and she is just a bubbly person. I do feel better when I talk to this person. There are other acquaintances, by the way, that I do talk to. They are good people as well.

  I moved into a new house. Granted it wasn't the original house we were supposed to move into in late Winter of 2009, but it worked out better. We moved in around Summer of 2009. I have a good neighborhood surrounding me. Yeah, I really haven't met some of the people around this house, but I have waved at them and everyone seems nice. The house is very spacious as well. I even designed my rooms so I can enjoy them better. It's like a mini apartment. (Keep in mind I have to share this house.)

  I have been watching a little more TV other than just sports. I would say I stopped watching domestic TV about 3 years ago. Nothing ever caught my interest. I only watched CSI when I came across it. Well, my Texas friend got me into Fringe. That show is awesome! I am also beginning to watch wrestling again. TNA is bringing the sport of professional wrestling back to good form.

  Well, even though things look like they balance out, it doesn't. I wanted to be able to move completely from all the bad I had to endure in 2008 by not having anything tragic happen for a long while. I guess I have 2010 to look forward to.

  I didn't write this in a hurry, but I just want this out there so I can at least close this chapter of my life. I felt this was the only way to do it. I can finally get back to what matters in my life. I just want things to be good again. I want to find a good well paying, fun job. I want to have a girlfriend again. Eventually marry her. I want to buy more tapes again. I have not made a massive purchase in ages. I want to get some extra money so I can take a vacation every once in a while. I want to make it all happen without all of this backfiring. I seriously want my life back. Is that too much to ask?